On Friday I had the honor of being on CBC Radio discussing women & horror films. The segment was incredibly short though so not much depth was able to take place and the host was less than desirable. She was not taking any of us ladies (me, Jovanka, Aviva) seriously and my draw dropped when she wasted a decent amount of air time on what Jovanka looked like and “how it effects her dating.” For a show dedicated to bringing awareness to women horror fans why waste our time talking about our LOOKS? Seems so bizarre and counter productive and so many assumptions about her sexuality were made in that comment. But anyway, even though she didn’t really listen to what was being said I know a lot of you did and that makes my guts so happy. I feel like it was just so fucking  cool to be asked, I mean…people care what I have to say? Really? A lot of friends have told me I sounded “great” but lemme just give you the real deal of what was going on before I got on the air.  I seriously almost puked on myself right before.  SERIOUSLY. I am amazed it didn’t happen cause I felt the nauseous rumble and gag. I was so fucking nervous. I woke up at 5 am in a panic that I overslept & then barely made it back to sleep for another hour. At 6:30 am I headed over to my day job office because I needed a land line and only have a cell phone. I downed a Red Bull Cola, a strawberry yougert, and a Powerbar which made me gag. I was jittery and flushed. I was doing the breathing they taught me in the psych hospital only 2 weeks prior. All three things I normally never have to eat so it just made me feel way sicker, I didn’t wanna take the extra time to walk & get coffee & bagel even though there was way more then enough time. It was like when your wanted someone you like to call you and would wait by the fucking phone. I watched it and time was just flying. Each minute made me more and more sick.  I was just ON EDGE and couldn’t take any anxiety meds because I was already on my Ritalin so i could focus on the days work ahead.. I paced the clinic for an hour and made notes in my journal. Trying to guess what they might ask and what I might say. All of it sounded so much better in my head and on the page then it did coming out of my mouth. And honestly, the notes became so totally irrelevant once the show started because I was to nervous to even look at the paper I wrote on. The one part I kept focusing on was: HAVE FUN! RELAX! Its Just A Phone Conversation and nobody is listening! Its weird how something can be so totally exciting and yet cause such fucking distress. A good type of distress but distress nonetheless. I would fucking love to be on some radio show like that again but each time i’ll have anxiety and each time i’ll get back up and do it. It’s so odd,  I get that way before doing an episode of ZINECORE Radio too. Just as bad. Someone once asked me “omg, how fun is doing zinecore!” and my response was: “It ruins my entire day!” I get so worked up about it and make myself sick. It’s funny because the night before the CBC interview Jovanka said to me on Facebook something along the lines of “I have to wake up and go into the studio, you get to be in your Pjs.” For most people this would totally be the case. However I was a wreck and thinking I would make the hugest fool of myself and say the dumbest things and never be able to take them back. I still cringe when I hear some of my answers. When I listened to it back I hide my head inside my shirt! seriously!  Like when the host is talking about the Janet Lee getting stabbed in Psycho and “not having the knife” i wanted to respond with how beautifully shot that scene was-never any real knife penetration and it was actually a man dressed as his mother so in many ways a woman was in fact holding the knife. The controlling mother of Norman,ya know? But instead I couldn’t breath and just vomited words and randomly said the word “gender.” Ha. So far people are saying I didn’t sound to stupid so that makes me relax. I have an upcoming episode of Zinecore tomorrow and already my nervous are fluttering and taunting me. My heart pounding My teeth clenching; jaw hurting; stomach aching. Its amazing I haven’t shit on myself yet.  What if my guests don’t call in? What if they do call in and I run out of things to ask? What if I fuck up and something horribly embarrassing happens? It’s so fucking weird that despite the immense anxiety I have I still do these things. The reason? Because I have no choice. I HAVE TOO. I feel like it my guts this is something I need to produce and get out into the world and my anxiety has to take the backseat to my ambitions no matter how physically uncomfortable it is. I always feel so euphoric after an episode but it takes awhile for my adrenaline to return to a less intense state. I laugh to myself when people tell me they are to nervous to come on my show because they have no idea how truly terrified I am to be hosting it. But when the show is over I feel truly fucking accomplished, I created a communal experience that will always exists in some form. It’s hard when people write mean things to me but I just have a tantrum then come back twice as hard. And now, what the fuck: i’m launching Ax Wound Radio. What is wrong with me!? On that note: Johanna Fateman, Kathleen Hanna, and Jenna Freedman will be on zinecore tomorrow at 8pm. I hope I don’t faint before then. Speaking of which, Kathleen Hanna has a new blog: http://kathleenhanna.wordpress.com/