As you probably know from having heard me bitch about it endlessly my laptop died and was out of my possession for close to two months. As much as it sucked I realize now more then ever that it was just what I fucking needed. To unplug. To step away. To remember what it was like before screens became the new faces. The typing of keys the new speech. .
I spent so much time ignoring my body: finding value in fingers more then toes. My eyes more then my nose. You can’t smell the internet but you sure as fuck can see what people are saying and reading: what emotions people are emoticon-ing.
Wait, shut up, this is not a rant about the de-humanization of internet culture or the flip side equally hyper humanization; it goes both ways. This is about Facebook. And the way that no other website has made me fall into depression. As a mentally ill bitch I often am percieved as being far far far over sensitive about things for the mere fact that I am far far far oversensitive about everything. I’v been trying to figure out the trend of why I fall into a deep sadness and depression after visiting Facebook. Even if just for a minute. For 10 years I was a Livejournal addict and any drama I had was never BECAUSE OF the website Livejournal but because of drama in the various zine communities I took part in that were very much about faults in the community and not in the site hosting the conversation. Instead it was a very intimate way to connect with people; reading about there lives and growing with them.
Facebook has done something else: it has created a never ending newsfeed of feeling out of the loop. A microblog update status, a new one every micro second, for the micro second culture we demand that makes me feel hyper ignored and out of the loop. Aware of who my friends used to be and aren’t anymore. People from the past who held so much meaning and now have lives I am no longer part of other then clicking “lick” buttons and saying happy birthday when FB alerts me that it is the day this old friend of mine was born. Facebook makes me feel so lonley when I look at friends pages and see them all talking and then feeling worthless and left out. I am almost 29 years-old but when I go on FB i feel like i’m back in high school. Who is talking shit passive agressivly about so and so and who is “liking” my other friends posts and not mine. It is a neurotics nightmare. An oversensitive persons hell.
I wondered if maybe I was alone but I decided to google it and found I am SO SO SO far from being alone in feeling this way. You might laugh but just like many of us were made to feel horrible in the school playground facebook has become a swingset right in the middle of our new social cyber playground and like me, those people who have oversensitivity might not always be able to deal.
some random quotes I found online about anxiety, depression, and facebook:
- “Basically, I am getting into quite a state about Facebook. It doesn’t make sense why it’s getting to me so much. But it’s pressing buttons in me that haven’t been pressed since I left school and that was a very very long time ago. I was never very popular at school – too weird, too geeky, too different. But since I left school, everything’s more or less been okay. I’m popular enough, have friends, a nice life, a lovely boyfriend. But Facebook has really got to me! It’s fostering a deep-seated sense of inadequacy I guess was always there, waiting to pop up and bite me again. I’m back in the playground, watching everyone else having a much better time than me and I’m trying really hard not to cry because it’s so embarrassing to care so much.”
- “I t’s true, facebook really does make me depressed. It affects my life to the point that it scares me. I see all of those photo albums people upload of their nights out, see them tagged in hundreds of pictures and it makes me feel pathetic because none of my friends take pictures of our nights out”
- “… I see all my old friends on there who have got on with their lives. They are in relationships, they basically have a great life, look happy. My life is just nothing and it makes me sad. I try to break out but it just ends up failing. I mean I AM content with my life … as long as it doesn’t get complicated. But deep down I want so much more. I feel like im stuck and I wanna get out, what to do?”
I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings by deleting them so I click “hide” next to there status update so it won’t show up on my news feed anymore. The projects they accomplish are wonderful but remind me of my own inadequacies and slowness. Then I leave sad and feel full of suck. No website has ever left me feeling more inadequate. Trivial? No. Because it has become part of our daily lives. And there is nothing trivial about the way humans communicate today. This is just the tip of the shit burg on this subject, I might one day expand on it but in the meantime I just wanted to get this out there because I can’t be the only one…… right? And if you are someone who can’t relate at all to this post then consider yourself lucky, baby [silly emoticon here].
6 Comments
November 28, 2009 at 1:02 am
My job requires me to sit in front of a computer a lot more than I ever had to. Often, Facebook is one of the only things I can do while I’m waiting for my deadlines. The fact that it’s the #3 most visited site on the web (even beating YouTube) shows you that people have embraced it as a preferred way to stay in touch with friends and family. People do not answer e-mail or even texts as quickly as they respond to Facebook postings.
Still, it never hit me just how personally people take Facebook until the day I was banned from it. The serious outcry from you and others (but specifically my own father) showed me just how much a part of our online lives this thing has become. And I can see how dangerous it is. Remember the reports of MySpace-related suicides a couple years ago? This is probably why Facebook has no “dislike” button.
I’ll say it before and I’ll say it again: COMPUTER SHOULD NOT REPLACE REAL LIFE INTERACTION. If you can’t see the other person’s face, at least be able to hear their voice. So much is lost in instant messaging, e-mail, text and so forth. It’s not and will never be the same, and is only preferable to people whose attention spans and/or egos have gone completely out of control. As the internet has become part of the average person’s life, you hear of more and more cases of depression stemming from it. Like gambling, like pornography, like anything addictive, there is a flip side. It’s dark and it’s miserable.
I recommend going outside. Reading a book. Anything to keep you grounded in the fact that computers are fun and can help us stay in touch, but still only represent a small piece of the big picture.
November 28, 2009 at 1:10 am
I so, so completely understand your position, Hannah. There are times when I get irritated and annoyed and mad because of things I see on FB, but let me tell you the reason I absolutely, positively will always owe a great deal to a silly little website (and I tell you this not in a ‘you’re wrong!’ way, more in a ‘I hope you experience part of this too’ way!).
My absolute best friends are people I know thanks to Facebook. Various internet communities over the years (message boards, LJ, FB, Twitter) have made it clear to me that at school, while I’m totally thankful for the friendships I had, they were all, essentially, perfunctory. I went to a pretty tiny school, I guess, so cliques were not a massive problem, but my god, I was never a cool kid. I had decent friends, and – cold though this might sound – they served their purpose.
I can think of several people I’ve known online who, although I’m not very in touch with at the moment, I would help out in an instant if they asked for it. And I also have people in my life now who I just know I will remain close to until I’m dead. I just know it. My closest friends I met through Facebook, round the time that the second X-Files movie came out last year. Now, if that doesn’t sound like the nerdiest thing in the world, I don’t know what does! But these people made sure I got to go to the UK premiere of the film, before I even met them. These are people who are always around if I need them. They’re people I travel miles to meet up with, when I can. They’re people I wouldn’t have in my life if it wasn’t for Facebook. And it’s not just them. You – yes, YOU – dear Hannah, are one of the people I’ve met on Facebook who I’m so, so grateful for. I think you’re seriously, seriously awesome.
Of course, everyone feels differently about the things they see on Facebook, and like I say, I’m not telling you these things as a means to oppose what you’ve said – not at all. I think I have about 3 friends I knew at school on Facebook now. I remove friends and hide friends quite easily and don’t feel guilty about it – I think that must be a giant personality difference between us! <3
You're definitely not alone though, Hannah. There are definitely times when I've sat looking through someone's profile, or someone's photos and thought 'why aren't I like this?' or 'why aren't I there?' – even at times when I know those are the two most impertinent questions to be asking myself.
Anyway, I have so waffled on for longer than I meant to, ha! Know that you're definitely, definitely not alone in feeling like you do, but I hope you can think about the good things Facebook brings for you too! Know too that there are people on that site that love you to absolute, tiny bits. <3 xxxxx
November 28, 2009 at 4:41 am
I’m nott too heavy of a facebook user… for the most part I try to only have people on it that I know in “the real world” or interact with frequently via the mail. Beyond that I feel like I don’t need to know someones doings and goings if I wouldn’t want to hear about it over the phone… I try to use it JUST for social networking, setting up meetings for AKA (AlasKan Artists) and finding out about art shows locally…
November 29, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Good article! Facebook doesn’t depress me, but I’ve always felt apart and to the side, and most of my FB friends are the same way. “Aware of who my friends used to be and aren’t anymore.” reminded me of a poem I wrote, part of which is:
Old friends, seldom seen, dot our memories
like push-pins in a fading map
marking places where we’ll not return.
(It does bug me when my friends get dozens of “Likes” for EVERY damn thing they post, and dozens of comments on such insipid posts as, “I’m wondering what to eat,” while most of my posts seem to go ignored.)
February 3, 2010 at 2:23 am
I quit facebook yesterday–I said I was taking February off, but March 1st I plan to delete my account. My mental health recently took a dive, and I just can’t do it anymore. It was triggering major self-worth issues. It always had a good and a bad, for me, but now the bad far outweighs the good. I still have lj and blogs and emails and letters and zines, and I want to put more of my energy into interaction that feels more deliberate and meaningful. Facebook communication can be meaningful, but I kept getting my feelings hurt. It’s kind of exciting to let go of something that was taking up maybe 45 minutes a day? More time for other stuff. Anyway, I read this post months ago and related to what you said, but I just read it again and related more. Wishing you the best.
March 5, 2010 at 8:29 pm
Thanks for the great article. Is this a wordpress site? I like that platform, very good.