I have no idea what the fuck I want to say.
It’s Christmas eve and normally that means nothing other then stores being closed and days off work. Usually my jew family would eat chinese food and go to the movies or generally just be together: and this year we are together but nothing is familiar or celebratory. My dad is dying. We are in the hospice phase and trying to get him home to be outside the fucking hospital and in the comfort of home to pass away. And here is where I will stop typing. As much as I want to tell you all the million intense thoughts in my mind just saying that my dad is dying is enough for now. I love my father with a love and intense friendship that few people can say they have with their dad. I don’t even know what else to say. It’s all just pain right now. There is nothing else. I can’t do anything but sit and think and cry and rub his feet and sleep. And pray …but I don’t know what I’m praying for anymore. I suppose I am praying that he doesn’t suffer but really I haven’t been doing much praying at all. It’s all been just trying to focus on tangible things we can see and feel and touch and tell ourselves about the impermanence of life and how to minimize human suffering for those we love.
So, I sit here in paralysis listening to Lady GaGa of all things on repeat for days. It’s simple and up beat. I watch things when I can that make me laugh but mostly I cry . The love & support of friends both in person and online has made a world of difference & to everyone who sends love to both me and my family just know how much it means.
When someone is experiencing death and suffering it’s easy to disappear from that persons life because you just don’t know the right thing to say. This leaves a lot of greving people in isolation when they need support the most. I DO NOT need you to tell me something brilliant or life changing. Just telling me your sending love and there if I need someone to listen to me talk and cry is the best gift possible.
My dad posted this poem & explanation on his facebook page a few days ago:
2 time US poet laurate Robert Pinsky is one of my favorites. I guess decades of martial arts and related studies has made it personally meaningful to me.
Samurai Song
When I had no roof I made
Audacity my roof. When I had
No supper my eyes dined.
When I had no eyes I listened.
When I had no ears I thought.
When I had no thought I waited.
When I had no father I made
Care my father. When I had
No mother I embraced order.
When I had no friend I made
Quiet my friend. When I had no
Enemy I opposed my body.
When I had no temple I made
My voice my temple. I have
No priest, my tongue is my choir.
When I have no means fortune
Is my means. When I have
Nothing, death will be my fortune.
Need is my tactic, detachment
Is my strategy. When I had
No lover I courted my sleep.
12 Comments
December 25, 2009 at 12:34 am
hannah, this is a christmas unlike any other i can recall. i’m a writer and am having trouble collecting my thoughts because it’s all i can do just to keep taking things as they come in the moment. if you can bring anyone peace or comfort, know that it is enough and the best gift possible.
December 25, 2009 at 12:39 am
is this andrew she ra? or a different andrew?
either way: thank you <3
December 25, 2009 at 12:44 am
the one, the only.
December 25, 2009 at 1:10 am
Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry this is happening.
December 25, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Thank you for the love, Jenny. And i’m sorry about asking you to do that drawing…I wasn’t thinking clearly & it seemed rude that I would ask you that in such a fleeting way. Please forgive me and know how amazing you are to me <3
December 25, 2009 at 2:20 am
You’ve been in my thoughts and I am so terribly sorry you and your family are going through this. I love you!
December 25, 2009 at 8:28 pm
Sage you mean so much to me it’s insane. When my life calms down I plan to visit you. Probably won’t be for a while but it’s on my life to-do list. You are so important to my life <3 i loveyou.
December 25, 2009 at 10:46 am
Hannah, you are definitely in my thoughts today. You’re such a brave and open person, and if telling you that I love you and that you’re in my thoughts and that I’m here helps you even the tiniest bit, then I will say it every hour of every day if I have to. <3 xxxx
December 25, 2009 at 8:30 pm
your gonna make me cry! <3 You are such a gift to have found in this crazy world and I am so damn lucky to know you. I hope to be friends for a very long time and know how much your love and support helps me get through each day. You are a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful human being that i'm lucky to know. xo
December 26, 2009 at 7:50 am
I know I’ve said it before Hannah, but please know that my thoughts, love, and prayers are with you and your family. I am so sorry, love.
December 26, 2009 at 8:46 pm
I am so sorry that this is happening to all of you. I want you to know how much I love you and your dad. I know I’ve never met him personally, but I feel I know him through all of the things you have written about him over the past several years. I love how he’s influenced you, and I love the time you’ve spent together watching horror movies, and being each other’s touchstones. I love him for being a person you’ve looked up to, and for making you someone people can look up to. I am attached to and am anxious about the grief I will feel for a man whom I’ve never met because he has instilled so much love in his family and none of this is fair– and I’ve known the injustice of this sort of loss. I don’t know what I would do if I had time beforehand with my sister to get everything out about how much she means to me, and how her friendship was my greatest accomplishment. My family felt the all-consuming grief of having her taken from us without any notice. There was no closure, and there can never be. I imagine all of the things that spring to your mind to tell your dad in these moments as they pass, but I also sense the enormity of powerlessness that must just be awful, and I wish I could be there to hug you and lend an ear. Please know that as you’re experiencing all of this, we are too in part, because we know your dad through you, and we all love him fiercely.
December 25, 2009 at 1:00 am
oh good, it always makes me happy to hear from you. xo
Sending love to you & your family and hoping you can enjoy your time at home together with as minimal pain as possible xo