Miki Hickel and I have worked together for a very long time. In the past she has illustrated articles I have written, designed the banner on my website AND if you hop over to the Women in Horror Month website you will see our new kick ass banner that she made! Miki has also been maintating the Ax Wound website for many years. We have talked about working on a graphic novel in the past but now everything is falling into place. Instead of a graphic novel Miki and I will be putting out a short comic book to start called BLOODBERRY CUNTCAKE. Expect it in 2011!

BLOODBERRY CUNTCAKE #1

WRITTEN BY HANNAH NEUROTICA

ILLUSTRATED BY MIKI HICKEL

COMING TO PRINT IN 2011

***NOTE*** this title will also be part of an ax wound story-time project so stay tuned for that as well***

How the fuck do I begin to organize everything!!

My apartment is completely insane & I know that doesn’t help but it’s been this way for a pretty long time now. I know having an organized environment is important and so that is one of my t0-do’s. It’s just so frustrating right now because I want to work on my new podcast idea Bloodberry Cuntcake but then I wanna work on WiH Month stuff but then I want to work on the sex/horror issue of Ax Wound but then I think…shit, I got to work on my graduate application. Not to mention I am super excited to launch the Kickstarter campaign for Ax Wound. I even got a price quote today and found what publishing business I want to go through (women owned & operated!) Oh, and I didn’t mention the book project I am editing but I won’t even go there now!

The key is priority.

What are my priorities? Why can’t I just do one thing at a fuckingshitass time!

What is my priority in terms of making money and moving my life forward (school, career, etc)  VS. what is prioroty that people depend on me for that I do as volunteer work. VS. what is priority but I am willing to put on the back seat? Arg. NOTHING! =)  The honest answer is I need to focus on my graduate school process. Once I begin the MFA program I can focus on creative projects all I want. Now I need to work on furthering my career in a serious way.

I have decided I am going to start offering ad space for $ to help cover printing costs. I need to keep this zine going and that is one way I can do that before Kickstarter kicks into gear.

I also want to write my little personal zines like Toxic Shock Girldom . The follow up I have slowly slowly been chipping away at is called DEATH IS THE NEW SEX: A XINE. I want to work on that one too! Just to to to to much. Again, this is where my awesome therapist comes in. We are going to work on this.

Then of course is the whole full time job. But who am I to complain? And honestly, I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I feel so lucky I have all these things I want to do and not someone who doesn’t have a clue what they want to do. Plus, most artists have to work day jobs. It’s nothing new or special about me. It’s just something I am trying to figure out how to live within and still meet my own expectations.

oh did i mention all the radio shows i want to do!? blogs i want to keep up with, etc.

this is all over the place…………………………….   my brain is everywhere……………… i need to really figure out why my ADD is getting worse. Maybe is due to grief!? Seems logical?

Today I started by going through work I have done and just making a free for all list of every single creative thing I have done/been part of. It’s was interesting to sort of see my evolution…how I started and where I am right now over a decade later. Even though I haven’t gotten very far in the grand scheme of things it’s impressive to myself that I didn’t give up and never even felt like that was an option. I create to survive. It’s theraputic, its’ nessasary, its my goddam life blood even if i’m just scribbling with crayons. It was clear though– just as I alway said– Lydia Lunch was the artist

oh la la awesomeness <3

who pushed me over the edge in terms of not giving up and DIY. Regardless of her i’d probably keep forging ahead but she is the artist I turn to for strength and who I listen to before I do something live and I am so lucky I got to interview her on zinecore. How many fucking people get the honor to talk to the artist who most inspired them to begin taking art in a serious direction? I have a lot feel lucky about even though I have a lot in my life to feel pain over. It’s a balance. Very big things- intense pain // intense excitement= difficult to experience together. I also decided I am going to re-release   HEARTS & BUTCHER KNIVES: PRE VIOLENCE AND IMPULSE EMPATHY (a zine i wrote years ago in which i discuss lydia lunch’s impact on me and my mental illness, sex, etc) i would put it back out with a new introduction though since so much has changed and yet so much has stayed the fucking same.  I often said though that zine was shit but today looking back I actually am rather fond of it and it speaks to where I am at right now. Just goes to show that something I created and considered burning is now relevant again. <3  So, that is another project I wanna do! plus…not to fucking mention work on this website……all my websites need work. I AM EXHAUSTING MYSELF JUST FROM WRITING ALL THIS OUT. Especially because you have no idea how many projects, interviews, etc I am leaving OFF this list/post.

Thank you for the comments to the previous post I made last night. It’s so nice to have support from people who understand and are also experiencing similar situations. I love you all so much, thank you for the love. I love you right back <3

It’s 2:20 am & there is no reason whatsoever that I should be awake- let alone writing a fucking blog post. Recently I’ve gotten into the habit of drinking iced coffee late at night on top of my anti-anxiety meds so even though i’m chill there is still the caffeine battling it out; winning too because here I am typing instead of sleeping.

It’s crazy how excited I am with all the various projects I am undertaking. One of those huge undertakings is my application to graduate school. Even though I know the school wants to take me I still have to go through this intense process. It’s a great process because you really are put in a situation where you have to start defining yourself as an artist. My own mission statement. What does it mean to be ‘Hannah Neurotica’ vs. “Hannah Forman’ and does it all matter anymore. This site is going to be re-arranged alot over the next month to really reflect the changes I am going through as a person and an artist…trying to find what my focus really should be and narrow down my ADD overdrive mind of ideas I can’t keep up with.

On my bio page I have one sentence which pretty much sums everything up pretty quick. However I need to explore this:”In relationship to your current creative practice and/or existing body of creative work, please prepare a succinct artist statement which orients your audiences to what you do, how you do it and why you do it. Please also briefly include the context of your artistic inquiry.”

This is only one aspect of an intense application process and I plan to utilize this online space to start seriously shaping who I am as an artist/what I want out of art in my life.  I already know that answer it’s just a matter of putting it in an intelligent fashion. And really… when I say I know that answer ….I don’t. There is my knowledge of what themes I work within, the mediums I am drawn to, but the point of going into this program is to expand my comfort zones and build a body of work in a situation I am held accountable. Having Attention Deficit Disorder its very hard for me to bring projects to completion unless I have a deadline in an academic situation or I have a contract with someone. Otherwise when left to my own devices it could be anywhere from 1 week to two years before I complete something. This is not at all out of laziness. Just complete out of control number of projects I have going at once…not letting myself focus on one thing and then getting all tied up in everything like old skool phone cords. Recently I have been working with my awesome as shit new therapist. I told her about my issues with all of this and we are in the process of helping me focus my life and manage my overactive brain. A gift and a curse. Anyone with ADD knows that. So, I end up feeling bad because I am behind on things or can’t keep up and it’s really this paralysis from wanting to do so much  you end up doing nothing or something but just really slow.

I AM NOT GOING TO BE THAT PERSON ANYMORE. <3

I look forward to getting my MFA in Inteterdiscipary Arts and following in my dad’s footsteps. Teach colleges courses and then making art on the side and continuing to learn who I am as a creative woman on a mission. UNLESS OF COURSE somehow I magically get money to do art full time but …..before I can even being to go there in my brain I need to focus on this application process. I will be sharing the process here along with more blog posts then normal and crazy page adjustments to try and organize what I have done and how to share it. and what I want to delete and move on from..etc  Regardless this website is going to mostly be for my own personal discovery process. but your totally invited if you get bored enough

I believe in publicly showing the creative process & that has always been a theme of what I do.

That is all. Now I go sleep to Kelly Howell Brain Sync <3

Hearts & Butcher Knives,

H

are we locked into our facebook accounts due to our creative networking/careers?

Is this a negative thing? What would the negative aspect be/what would the positives be?

Is facebook the end all be all of  networking at this point in time?

do people care about you or pay attention if you are not on facebook?

should said artist care of the latter?

Share your thoughts.

It would be much appreciated.

This idea comes from Wreck This Journal by Keri Smith.

Candy:  Wonka Everlasting Gobstopper

In box: Red, Orange, Green, Purple, Yellow.

It took me a little while to figure out why I couldn’t get the color to show up on the page. I discovered that you can’t suck on the candy for more then a few seconds before you put your tongue on the paper. That is when the color pigment is the strongest.  Don’t get lost in the flavor

I’d like my next one to be with different types of candy mixed together so I can play with texture and different color shades/levels of brightness etc. And maybe instead of just pressing my tongue onto the page actually making a recognizable image using this method <3

and for fun:

My tongue feels really fucking weird now and the front of my head aches a little. Another downside to painting with large amounts of sugar  I did however not eat one  friggin full piece.

I spit them out into this baggie when they lost color.

See my pathetic little used up whore candy:

Hearts & Butcher Knives,

Hannah xo